Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Biggest Loser

I feel that I am the biggest loser.
I have gained year after year and can't picture the girl in the mirror anymore.
I have known that year after the year I am getting larger.
I see it in the photos.
I see it in the size of clothes I launder.
However, I don't believe it is me, I don't want to believe it is me.
For you that don't struggle with weight you are thinking, 'WHATEVER!', this is my story.

I used to let it hold me back (still in a small way I do).
Then I heard one of my Aunt's say something like, 'I am not going to let my weight stop me from enjoying life'.
Well, I love even adore this aunt.
So, wanting to be like her... I allowed this to be my excuse.
I have a dear lady that I have always wanted to aspire to and she is 'fluffy'.
She is kind, educated, funny, adores her family, has an amazing testimony.
She always appears to be happy and living life to the fullest.
I allowed this to be another excuse.
My Grandma Suzy, whom I only had the opportunity to meet a couple of times was a 'fluffy' woman.
I joked (and still do) that it isn't fair that I was 'blessed' with her genes.
I hide behind the jokes that I impose assuming that if everyone is thinking it-
I will beat them to the punch and make fun of myself before they do.
Things like, 'I live in UT so I need the extra layers for the winter months to stay warm'.

My husband is so dear, what a blessing he has been to me for so many more reasons than loving me no matter my size but, I apologize to him.
I was little when we married.
I was cute.
He tells me to 'stop it'.
He has never said anything to make me feel less than.
Thank you Mr. Man.
I don't know that I could be so kind.

So here I go.
I weigh 50 pounds more than I did nine months pregnant ten years ago.

I am reduced to shopping in only a number of stores.
During Christmas when I was out making purchases I would find yummy clothes.
None were close to my size.
I would walk in acting as though I was looking for a gift for someone,
then when I thought no one was watching I would quickly look for something in my size... NOTHING!
I was reduced to buying jewelry, shoes, bags, etc.
They don't make cute clothes for fat girls.
I would joke with the sales clerks, telling them that they had darling stuff but that they needed to hire me as a buyer so that they would carry a 'larger' selection of sizes.
They always laughed and told me 'You are funny and darling'!
Silly girls that are probably old enough (almost) to be my daughters, with their toothpick legs and arms, butts that you need a magnifying glass to see and hair to their waste.
I hate those girls.
OK so maybe I don't.

I love babies.
When holding them, they always fall asleep.
I say that babies are more comfortable snuggling when a stick isn't holding them.

Why I am writing this? I don't know.
I have a treadmill.
I have work out dvd's...
Power 90
Biggest Loser
I have great neighbors that walk.
I have the opportunity to take Zumba for FREE.
I have done WW twice (loved it both times).

I always find a reason for not doing what I need too.
I have errands that need to be done before school is out.
I can't get up that early.
I will start next week.
The Holidays are just around the corner.
This list can go
on and
on and
on and

I hate eating breakfast (I know I need to).
I often miss lunch unless Kade is home.
I don't drink water like I should.
I find myself snacking a lot.
Then making a large dinner.

Every year I think if only I would have taken control earlier I would look darling.
Well, another summer is approaching.
My 20 year class reunion is quickly approaching and I don't want to be the qliche.
There are the ones that bald, wrinkle, get fat, etc.
If they line us up by looks I will be in the fat category.
Oh my, what if they do that?
I will have to stand front and center.

Am I going to allow myself to continue on this path?
Do I really want early onset of diabetis, heart disease, joint problems, etc?
What is it going to take?
How many more excuses can I find/make?
There is a saying that being thin feels better than food tastes.
Is it true?
I love GOOD food.
I love eating out.
I love the social aspect of food.
It brings everyone together.
Date night
Girls Night

I need to seriously reconsider the example that I am for my family.
I need to seriously reconsider the health factors.
I need to seriously do something NOW!