Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Biggest Loser

I feel that I am the biggest loser.
I have gained year after year and can't picture the girl in the mirror anymore.
I have known that year after the year I am getting larger.
I see it in the photos.
I see it in the size of clothes I launder.
However, I don't believe it is me, I don't want to believe it is me.
For you that don't struggle with weight you are thinking, 'WHATEVER!', this is my story.

I used to let it hold me back (still in a small way I do).
Then I heard one of my Aunt's say something like, 'I am not going to let my weight stop me from enjoying life'.
Well, I love even adore this aunt.
So, wanting to be like her... I allowed this to be my excuse.
I have a dear lady that I have always wanted to aspire to and she is 'fluffy'.
She is kind, educated, funny, adores her family, has an amazing testimony.
She always appears to be happy and living life to the fullest.
I allowed this to be another excuse.
My Grandma Suzy, whom I only had the opportunity to meet a couple of times was a 'fluffy' woman.
I joked (and still do) that it isn't fair that I was 'blessed' with her genes.
I hide behind the jokes that I impose assuming that if everyone is thinking it-
I will beat them to the punch and make fun of myself before they do.
Things like, 'I live in UT so I need the extra layers for the winter months to stay warm'.

My husband is so dear, what a blessing he has been to me for so many more reasons than loving me no matter my size but, I apologize to him.
I was little when we married.
I was cute.
He tells me to 'stop it'.
He has never said anything to make me feel less than.
Thank you Mr. Man.
I don't know that I could be so kind.

So here I go.
I weigh 50 pounds more than I did nine months pregnant ten years ago.

I am reduced to shopping in only a number of stores.
During Christmas when I was out making purchases I would find yummy clothes.
None were close to my size.
I would walk in acting as though I was looking for a gift for someone,
then when I thought no one was watching I would quickly look for something in my size... NOTHING!
I was reduced to buying jewelry, shoes, bags, etc.
They don't make cute clothes for fat girls.
I would joke with the sales clerks, telling them that they had darling stuff but that they needed to hire me as a buyer so that they would carry a 'larger' selection of sizes.
They always laughed and told me 'You are funny and darling'!
Silly girls that are probably old enough (almost) to be my daughters, with their toothpick legs and arms, butts that you need a magnifying glass to see and hair to their waste.
I hate those girls.
OK so maybe I don't.

I love babies.
When holding them, they always fall asleep.
I say that babies are more comfortable snuggling when a stick isn't holding them.

Why I am writing this? I don't know.
I have a treadmill.
I have work out dvd's...
Power 90
Biggest Loser
I have great neighbors that walk.
I have the opportunity to take Zumba for FREE.
I have done WW twice (loved it both times).

I always find a reason for not doing what I need too.
I have errands that need to be done before school is out.
I can't get up that early.
I will start next week.
The Holidays are just around the corner.
This list can go
on and
on and
on and

I hate eating breakfast (I know I need to).
I often miss lunch unless Kade is home.
I don't drink water like I should.
I find myself snacking a lot.
Then making a large dinner.

Every year I think if only I would have taken control earlier I would look darling.
Well, another summer is approaching.
My 20 year class reunion is quickly approaching and I don't want to be the qliche.
There are the ones that bald, wrinkle, get fat, etc.
If they line us up by looks I will be in the fat category.
Oh my, what if they do that?
I will have to stand front and center.

Am I going to allow myself to continue on this path?
Do I really want early onset of diabetis, heart disease, joint problems, etc?
What is it going to take?
How many more excuses can I find/make?
There is a saying that being thin feels better than food tastes.
Is it true?
I love GOOD food.
I love eating out.
I love the social aspect of food.
It brings everyone together.
Date night
Girls Night

I need to seriously reconsider the example that I am for my family.
I need to seriously reconsider the health factors.
I need to seriously do something NOW!


Natalie said...

Wow Jes, that was from the heart. I have thought you were beautiful since we met. You have the type of personality that people are drawn to. People love to be around you because of the way you make them feel, and how you make people laugh until their stomach hurts. You're beautiful and you always will be. Those skinny girls at your reunion will have nothing on you.

Kami said...

Jes,I sure do love ya! I myself have struggled with my weight my entire life! (as you can tell). I hate being the short/fat chick. I've been doing WW the past 6 weeks and slowly lost 8 lbs so far. I still have a LONG ways to go, but I'm determined to reach my goal this time. :) Come with me!! I sure miss seeing and chatting with you!

[Morgan] said...

Jess! I love you.
Thanks for addressing something that every girl struggles with. Except those said girls who don't, the ones with bums too small to see:)
Weight has governed a good portion of my happiness since I was a young girl. WHY?!!!
So silly.
I've learned that while I agree that being considerably overweight is unhealthy, one should not focus on being stick thin. There is such a thing as a happy medium. Curves are good. It doesn't have to be rolly fat or stick thin:)

I say, think of the health benefits first and the image benefits will just come along with it.
One of most darling, skinny friends tells me her motto all the time "nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."

landonclan said...

You know I could have written this post myself. I can honestly say I have missed many occassions because I did not want people to see what had become of me!! I love ya!!! and unfortunately I love food!! HA!!

Jennifer Napierski said...

You are the only one who cares but you are the most important person to yourself and your family. Have you been to www.kristiapproved.com? I think it's a great, healthy way to get eating and excercise on track in a natural way. I did it this last year and thought this is basic common sense but they put it down so plain that you know exactly what to eat and when to eat it. My friend in Tokyo did it and she looks so great. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. It made me sad to read your post. We all have those days but it's always good to have a goal. You go girl!!!

Debi said...

You are AWESOME! I should copy and paste this on my blog- you spoke my mind! :) Let me know what finally "motivates" you- I need the HELP too! :)

Colett (*.*) said...

I love this post, it is very heartfelt and sincere, I think 99% of women struggle with weight and image issues, it's so stinkin hard to be a girl! My goal is just to eat as healthy as I can, cheat every now and then without guilt and try to have a serious work out at least 4 times a week, that's all I can do really. I wish you the best, and I think you should go to your reunion no matter where your weight is at. Mine was last year and it was hilarious.

Brittanie said...

Thank you for making me feel like I am not the ONLY one that feels that same way. You pulled everything out my heart that I have felt for years.:)

Danielle Christiansen said...

i hear you girl. And I have been there. I am loving weight watchers. And would love to do a contest with you again. It really pushed me last time. You can & will do it! I know it!

Tiffani said...

Here is what you do...get Gilmore Girls on netflix and hook up a TV/DVD combo above your treadmill. It is addictive. I swear Gilmore Girls are WAY better than weight watchers. Plus all the skinny girls at our reunion have probably had plastic surgery.